Friday, November 7, 2008

realization of motherhood

It seems like the end of the world to me but to everyone else it means nothing, they'll never know. Ive recently learned that all the joys I have and the things I experience as a mother is not shared through everyone else. Not everyone gets excited to see all the things I see my daughter do or even just to hear her breathe.

As I watch my daughter play on the floor it occurs to me that I'm the only one that gets excited at every smile, every laugh and every sound she makes. I can stay awake all night just to watch her sleep. When her first tooth came in I was so excited. I called everyone I knew to tell them until I realized- they dont care, or at least as much as I do. I'm the one that sits down to watch her play for hours while everyone watches TV or makes conversation about something else. I take 100 pictures a day (and would print them too if I could afford it) and everyone thinks Im crazy and obsessive. Its not that people don't love her or don't care- but they are simply not her mother. Each mother loves to watch their own child- not always someone else's. I suppose its a mom thing. Motherhood is something that is beyond comprehension to those who dont have children. Its never as exciting to see another child's new experiences as it is to see your own child learn to first roll over, then crawl and then to walk into her room one morning to find her already standing in her crib waiting for you. Now she is 7 months old walking from one barstool to the next in my parents' kitchen, taking her diaper off and drinking the last of her milk from a glass. I look forward to all the new things she will learn and discover in her walk of life, being home with her I can find joy in knowing Im the one who taught it to her.

And then it depresses me to know that every moment is passing by and you can never go back. One day I will be 30...60...90 wondering where the time went ( and thinking "I look so old!")-My daughter will be grown and have her own husband and children. My first 20 years didn't last long and it will seem to pass even quicker through my next 20 and her first 20. Each year that I get older seems to go by quicker than the one before. If only I could pause time for another moment at her current state. Always learning, always becoming more independent, all the while needing me less and less. But I have to look ahead and not let it keep me down, if Im only down for a moment. Each minute I weep about lost time, I lose another minute. I just help her along her journey and know I am doing the best I can to teach her how to become a great woman for Christ. God will help me through my tears so I can enjoy all the great times with my family, and he will carry me in the good times too.


Loretta said...

I heard this today, "A son will need you 'til he finds a wife. A daughter will need you for the rest of her life."

oma aka meme said...

you will write these memories in yur heart- I am a Meme/Oma now and I can still remember those moments - we called it making memories- bless your mommy heart- hugs from Meme